Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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