Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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