Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
