i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
they're like a gay fantastic four
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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