Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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