I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
