So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
