Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
