i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
