we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
