I'm gonna have a badass scar
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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