My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
