it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The beer is more important than you right now.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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