her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
