Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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