Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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