The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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