yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
