I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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