first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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