Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
