I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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