so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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