There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
