There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
