yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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