I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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