i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
wrigley field is MILF paradise
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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