My hand turned me down
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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