I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
