I need to stop coming to work sober
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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