whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
