You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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