forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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