What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
