New low: just hacked my moms facebook
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
