I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
