I swear she didn't look like that last week.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
