absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
