you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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