Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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