have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
