I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
