i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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