the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
