your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
