today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
