She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
