and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
