i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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