Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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