Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
